Why do couples fight? And how do you stop it?
Why Fight? The purpose of being together is to evolve and grow—evolving your souls toward an inner peace of fulfillment and unconditional Love. Some statistics now show that most couples argue on the average of 19 days a month, which is about 63% of the time. And these are the ten things that trigger their arguments the most:
- Sex. …
- Money. …
- Kids. …
- Timing. …
- Quality Time. …
- Romance. …
- Chores. …
- Pet Peeves. …
- In-Laws. …
- Jealousy. …
This list hits the high spots of what we hear from our clients. Some couples have trouble with intimacy, which makes sex difficult. And it usually goes back to family patterns from their childhood—how their parents related. Money is also a charged item. Who is contributing more or less can make money into a measurement for a fight. And different methods of child rearing can be a bone of contention. You can probably see that this list has a lot of possibilities for upset and disagreement. Jealousy comes up when a couple is insecure about their relationship, and it usually gets activated when one partner has low self-esteem or a strong Personal Lie, like “I am not wanted,” or “I don’t matter.” All of these contribute to the tendency to argue and defend with anger.
Why Fight? What we have found in seeing hundreds of Liberation Breathing clients is that people do not realize there is another way to solve disagreements. It has to do with a decision for a “conflict-free” relationship. But they have not made this decision. Therefore, anger and arguing is accepted, as people just resign themselves to the “fact” that conflict is just part of their everyday life, and they just have to get used to it. This is NOT ACCEPTABLE, however!
Fear of Giving Up Anger:
Why Fight? When we ask people in the Loving Relationships Training, the LRT®, “What is your fear of giving up anger and conflict forever,” most answers fall into three or four categories. A common answer is, “I would be taken advantage of without my anger. I need it for protection.” In other words, anger is a defense. But contrary to what most people think about defenses making you safer, the truth in the long run is that defenses actually attract more attack. This is hard for people to get. A Course in Miracles says just the opposite: “In my defenselessness my safety lies.” When you have given up anger and the need to defend yourself with it, then you are really safe.
Another common fear of giving up anger is, “I will not be heard.” People have the thought that raising their voice and being all charged up makes them heard better in a situation in which they feel compromised. We usually come back with this question: “Do you like to listen to someone who is angry?” Of course the answer is no, so the truth is you are heard LESS when you are angry. People block you out; turn off their empathy; shut down and dig in to counter with their own defenses and attacks. Again, Jesus has something to say about anger in A Course in Miracles:
Anger is never justified. Attack has no foundation….Pardon is always justified. It has a sure foundation. (ACIM, Text, Chapter 30, Section VI; ❡1&2)
Another thing people say about giving up anger is that, “I will be perceived as weak, without any power.” Well, Ammachi says, “Anger makes you weak in every cell of your body.” Anger is a false power, and in fact you may feel a shot of adrenalin while angry, but afterward you actually feel drained and depleted. PEACE IS POWER, in Reality. The real definition of POWER is LOVE, SAFETY and CERTAINTY. People who have Certainty that Love is the basis for their protection and their Safety, are connected to their Divine Source. They see that anger is just a distraction from their true Identity, and they find other ways to overcome differences with their partner.
“There is another way of looking at the world.”
The big thing to get here is that every negative encounter you are in—YOU are responsible for it. This means you are NEVER a victim of circumstances beyond your control, and there is some vibration or thought in yourself that attracted the encounter to you in the first place. This may appear harsh, but it is the reason you can overcome ANY situation by changing your mind about it. There is “another way” of seeing a situation, and you can make other decisions about it. “I could see peace instead of this,” is Lesson 34 in ACIM. It is right after the statement, “There is another way of looking at the world.” Lesson #33.
Well, do you want another way? Or would you rather keep your victimhood or your feelings of upset?
Why Fight? The choice is always yours to be in a battle with your mate (and yourself)—in which you fight with anger—or to be in a responsible place in which you both want to resolve the disagreement, drop your anger, and go for the solution. Which is it?
The Commitment for a Conflict-Free Relationship.
When Markus and I first got together I said to him, “I want a relationship of Deep Ease.” He said to me, “I want a relationship with No-Conflict.” At that moment we both knew there were some Higher Forces at work in our coming together, and above all else we wanted Peace in our personal life. No matter what the external situation may look like, we decided to maintain Peace above all else.
You may say this is not possible. But we teach that your Mind is all powerful, especially if you align it with the Will of your Source. When A Course in Miracles says, “God’s Will for me is perfect happiness,” in Lesson #101, what do you think that Will means? Only sometimes? God’s Will does not deviate. It does not say, “Sometimes God’s Will is for me to be angry and upset.” It says any upset is a result of unforgiveness—and anything unforgiven (that may be the source of your conflict) has to be forgiven and released so you can return to the true Will of you and your Creator—which is supreme happiness and Peace.
Why Fight? How do you get off it?
Well, first you must want Peace above all else. DO YOU? You may say you do, but then want to hang on to your position, your opinion, your plan, your agenda, your self righteousness, your yada-yada-yada. But you are also hanging onto the upset and the fight, then.
Why Fight? If you really want the SOUL-U-TION, you have to both ask for it. The HIGHEST THOUGHT in any situation can be given to you both when you drop your positions. Then you have to ask the Holy Spirit, or Infinite Intelligence, or the Peace and Joy of God to give it to you. What is the highest thought that will feel the best to both of you? You have to be willing to bend a little. This does not mean a compromise, but rather what feels the best and brings the most Happiness to both of you. It may be something neither of you have even considered.
You will receive whatever you request.
There is a fantastic Lesson, #339 in ACIM, that says, “I will receive whatever I request.” If you are willing to let go of your plan, and just ask for the Solution that will produce the most Joy and Satisfaction, and make you feel the best you have ever felt together, then GOD HAS TO GIVE THIS TO YOU. Where two or more are gathered in the name of Truth, which is Perfect Happiness, God must deliver and give you that.
Try this out. The next time you are having a fight, say to each other, “Why Fight? This is not what we really want. We want Peace instead of this. And we want the HIGHEST THOUGHT and ACTION which will give us the most JOY.” AND SO IT IS. And write to us about your results. What is your miracle?
Love you guys. Thanks for reading,