How to Make Your Long-Distance Relationship Work
With more and more free technology that helps us connect to people half way around the world, and with Facebook and other social media driving our urges to reach out and relate, more people are having a Long-Distance Relationship—now more than ever. In the old days these did not work too well. In the old days, at some point the distance and the lack of daily connection put a strain on the relationship. After awhile, if there was no move toward each other in geographical joining, the long distance became more of just that—a long distance between the emotional needs of each partner.
It seems now the rules have changed. This is the most asked question on Google searches: How do I make a Long-Distance Relationship work? So obviously that means more and more people are in them, and more and more people want answers and steps to take on how to make it work. This article will address ways you can make a Long-Distance Relationship work. These are not the times in which long distance calls are costly and we have to monitor how much we use them. These are the days of Skype and Zoom which were only imagined in our days growing up with cartoons like George Jetson—in which video conferencing was pure science fiction. Now it is a very real fact. Recently we gave a Liberation Breathing® session to a client in Melbourne over Zoom. It was like, well—in person.
There is a lot out there on this subject. And Markus and I have our own ideas on it. But based on what we know about being together 24/7/365, we think some of the same rules apply to being in a Long-Distance Relationship as being together closely all the time. This is inconceivable for many couples long distance, but this is what we suggest.
Here are A DOZEN WAYS you can strengthen your Long-Distance Relationship and make it work!
1) Know when you will meet next in person.
Its good to think ahead. When are you guys gonna get together again? I mean, you can get all the etheric stuff right, but touching and holding and, well, you know—its all important. So we recommend you have a plan to get together in person. And if you have to alternate—you go, then she comes to you the next time, or you go, then he comes to you the next time, keep it all in balance. Sex is still a very important factor in a Long-Distance Relationship.
On the Blog, SheKnows.com, Ashley Papa writes:
Bottom line: When you finally see each other make it HOT
Long-distance relationships can create high-stakes expectations. You don’t need to give each other the biggest orgasms of your lives the moment you step off the plane, but make sure you’re making up for that lost time together. And then when you or your lover has to depart again, the memory of the passionate sex will stay in their mind.
2) Get to know your partner’s case.
We have something in our work called people’s personal lies (absolute worst subconscious judgment you have about yourself)—and these lead to dovetailing patterns in a relationship. This is when the worst thought about yourself is locked into the worst thought your partner has about themselves. This is your case, relating to your partner’s case, and it is the source for a lot of upset. If you can unravel this, then ALL POWER GOES TO YOU, even in your Long-Distance Relationship. You will not be fooled that an upset is something your partner is “doing to you.” You free yourself from “victim consciousness” and take 100% responsibility for your results.
A typical dovetailing pattern is one partner has a thought about themselves, “I am wrong.” Maybe they were the opposite sex of what their parents wanted at their birth. The other partner’s thought about themselves is, “I hurt people.” Maybe they were a really big baby at birth and their mother was actually hurt with an episiotomy during the birth. “I am wrong” is now together with “I hurt people.” These two main thoughts of “their cases” come together and cause friction. These dovetailing patterns can happen with any couple, whether they are in a Long-Distance Relationship or not.
This case goes like this: he is always criticizing her so she feels made wrong. She feels hurt, and therefore he proves his thought about himself that he hurts people. This is what we call a dovetailing pattern, and almost all couples have some underlying dynamic going on that represents their CASE! You need to be aware of these thoughts and dynamics and choose out of them. We can help you with a Liberation Breathing Session free yourself from these patterns.
3) Develop good communication.
The best for this is what Marshall Rosenberg calls “Non Violent Communication.” Basically it is totally devoid of blame of any kind. Free of blaming another for your results, even if you don’t like them, and free of you blaming yourself for your case. We have adapted his three points to what we teach people about communication:
- a) What I observe happening in our relationship is _________.
- b) How I feel when I observe this happening is _________.
- c) What I need and what I suggest happen about this is _________.
The other thing we suggest is for couples to practice the “highest thought” game. When you have a potential disagreement you both have to “drop your positions” for being right, and go for the highest thought instead of upset. The highest thought is what brings the most joy, the most order, the most resolution, the most purpose and meaning to your relationship. You will both know when this thought is put on the table for a solution. And that is what I learned in an entrepreneurial course I took: “GO FOR SOLUTION.” This all has to be woven into your communication practices together. In any Long-Distance Relationship, good communication is still the key to a happy life together.
4) “Tell the truth faster,” including your feelings.
Sometimes you have to just say how you feel about things, even if it is tough to do so. There may be things that you go along with in a relationship but don’t really go for in your truth. There may be things you are “stuffing” that will only build up pressure in you to explode with force later. But these are the very things to which you need to apply good communication. We call it, “Tell the truth faster.” Any Long-Distance Relationship must be based on this rapid truth telling.
Before the pressure builds up, you can say sweetly, “Honey, this is the way I feel about this matter. I cannot go along with it. So what do we do now?” Open the situation up for a question. And through your questioning a new balance will be found and restored. Then you might practice what we call the “Eight Minute Process.” This is where each partner speaks about how they feel about something for eight minutes, with no interruption. Each has to listen without any rebuttal or reactions. Then both parties feel they are being totally heard by their mate.
5) Check in, but don’t “Check-up.”
Most couples, together under one roof or or not in proximity, have to be absolutely together in their minds in TRUST. There is a difference between checking-in, and “checking up” on your partner, which could be born out of distrust. Are you confident that your “roving eyes” that would instigate an emotional affair, or even a full blown sexual affair, are in check and under control? Otherwise, jealousy and distrust could be the consequences in yourself or in your mate.
How often do you check in? Maybe ten texts an hour are too much! Maybe one relaxed Skype call in the evening or early morning is just enough. You have to work this out, and it has to come from Trust. This is essential.
Markus and I on our wedding day: April 4, 2009
6) Define your purpose in life together.
What is your purpose for being here in this life? Are you spreading your joy that makes this a better world for you and others to live in? Are you using your God-Given talents for work that gives you a sense of passion? Do you have what a friend of mine calls “vocational arousal?” As a couple you both have to be aligned on this purpose. Maybe just having kids and a house in the suburbs with a two-car garage is you goal, but may not fully satisfy your sense of greater Purpose.
What makes you tick? I love to write books and speak on relationships, and help people to get over their limiting thoughts through Liberation Breathing / Rebirthing. It has been my passion and Purpose for years, and Markus, my husband, supports me in that. What is the purpose of your life? Ask yourself, and don’t stop short of the answer.
7) Make a commitment for no conflict.
Many people think that arguing in a relationship is normal, and we just have to get used to the friction. Well, to heck with that @! What if Peace and Harmony were your new normal, and conflict of any kind is something you want to rise above? We have found that there is a “conflict-free” zone in a relationship, but you both have to decide for that. There is a lesson in A Course in Miracles that says, “I could see peace instead of this.” You have to want peace above all else, and set the vibration of your relationship right in the beginning. You have to decide for peace together, which amounts to a “conflict-free relationship.
Of course this means good communication practices we spoke of above. You have to be able to communicate your feelings, to be clear on your purpose together, and develop a deep trust that your partner and you are meant to be together in perfect happiness. Perfect happiness has risen above all conflict.
8) Support each other’s highest aspirations.
I build up and support Markus’s highest aspirations for Art, writing, and making our work run smoothly around the world. He supports me in Liberation Breathing Sessions, Teaching the Loving Relationships Training, having Quests to sacred sites around the world, and writing my books on the subjects of spirituality and relationships that I love. He is even editing this post and correcting my punctuation! We support each other’s highest aspirations.
We also support each other in our complete liberation from sorrow and death, and our full realization of our God-Created Self. We have to be honest with each other about what our highest aspiration is. What exactly do you want out of your life? Shouldn’t your mate be supporting you to achieve that? We think so, and you can still do this in a Long-Distance Relationship.
9) Have goals together.
Goals are kind of like aspirations. But one thought I learned out of the book The Magic by Rhonda Byrne who wrote The Secret: you have to speak of these goals as if you already have achieved them. And you cannot dwell on the “not having” part. If you do that, you will get more of the “not having.” Your results will follow your mental thought patterns.
Having goals together is like saying we both want our highest good to come to us, and putting our intentions together will give us both double, perhaps even more, possibilities for manifesting these situations and things. Those who wish together and envision these wishes to be actually here already, will give themselves the gift of manifestation. Very useful in a Long-Distance Relationship, just as much as in a short distance relationship.
10) Write love letters and mail them.
If you are living far apart from one another, you still want to feel that your mate is near. You still want to acknowledge your partner regularly, and write to them love letters that express the deepest feelings of your heart. In this age of “electronic mail,” it is actually a novelty to get a hand written note or letter in the mail. Pick out some nice cards and write to your lover from the heart. Tell them the different ways you appreciate them in your life. Then send them these notes by “snail mail.” You are writing for all time, so it doesn’t matter if they don’t get it til next week. How do you feel when you get a handwritten note? You feel pretty special, don’t you. Help each other feel this closeness through hand written love letters. These letters help any Long-Distance Relationship to work.
11) Decide how much time a day you will talk.
With the advent of Zoom and Skype, you can talk to each other as though your were just in the next room. You are already spending large portions of your day giving attention to your work, your school studies, your projects, your other interests—and yes, of course, to your mate. Decide when you will talk on the Skype or the Zoom, and for how long. Maybe ten minutes are not enough. Maybe two hours is too long. You decide. Adjust it as needs arise, or as you may want more contact. Or less—which brings me around to the last point to consider:
12) Look at why you are actually creating a long distance Relationship.
Why are you creating a long distance relationship in the first place? (Is that what you REALLY want?) Is it fear of intimacy? Is it for some other farfetched reason? We had a client once who said, “There are no good guys in my city. None of them are spiritual enough for me.” Can you imagine. A city of a few million and she had assessed there are no good guys there. Well, it took awhile for us to get her off of it, but now she has her eye on someone we think is really going to work out for her. Before she was involved in “long distance relationships” that really were not working out for her. Now she is giving herself half a chance for the real thing, for true spiritual intimacy to take place.
If you are in a long distance relationship, is it just because you found that just right someone online? Now it’s gone so far and you are head over heals in love? How will you feel when you meet in person? Well, you better test the waters. GO MEET IN PERSON. Then reassess the reasons why you are in a long distance relationship in the first place. Is it because your careers are well established in different towns? What is it? And, are you willing shift your priorities so your can be together more, without feeling your independence is being sacrificed?
You can be in love with a Long-Distance in between, but Love’s nature is to JOIN. Are you Joining in the best way possible for yourself, and receiving the most out of this love affair that is uplifting you into realms of true satisfaction? Only you will have the answers to these important questions. And of course there will be the day you have to decide. Am I moving there? Is he or she moving here? Or are we going to join in another city altogether? Because you probably won’t want to stay in a Long-Distance Relationship forever.
Love,
with
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Cassandra & Rhett on the Bali Quest, at the Immortal Springs
