by MARKUS RAY

1. We recreate the past. What our parents did in their relationship we tend to recreate in our own. History repeats itself, for the most part, unless we become conscious of the similar ways we are relating, and choose out of similar behaviors.

2. We are mostly run by our subconscious. Neuroscientists have shown that the majority of thoughts that are actively producing results we are not even aware of. About 8 bits of info enter our awareness per second in proportion to 11 million other bits that are also being processed per second in our subconscious. What does this mean in relationships? They are mostly run by stuff in the shadows. You relate to your mate with the stuff you are not even aware you have.

3. We want to be taken care of. There is a tendency to “go helpless” in a relationship and want your mate to clean up the mess. Given that love looked like our parents handling the nitty gritty of life in our childhood, while we could go out there and goof around, love in the adult world is no different. We want to be taken care of. Just remember, though, that adage we heard in church: it is more blessed to give than to receive.

4. The ego loves conflict. When love is new our partner can do no wrong. All their good qualities shine bright like a lighthouse in the stormy past of our failed relationships. Then gradually the light fades and the same storms that ran us amuck on the rocky shores of shipwrecked loves get the better of our navigation. The ego loves conflict, and eventually two egos in any relationship churn the waters and send us into the rocky waters of our subconscious tendencies….the ones that bug our partner.

5. Everyone has a tendency. It is a fact that everyone has a shadow side that is his or her karma in life to get to know and overcome. Usually we pretend to be perfect, even though we know there are major blocks to us feeling and living that perfection. Everyone has a tendency to sabotage themselves with an Achilles heel, a pre-existing weakness, and a tinge of doubt in the movement toward certainty. These tendencies can be overcome, but you have to be honest about them.

6. Time ticks away faster than you think. When a person does not handle his internal impurities aging comes upon him. This is not going to be counteracted by jogging and a kale salad. Although good healthy practices for the body do help, you have to look at the mind and its belief systems around life and death. What is your purpose here? What do you think about time, aging and death? Death in inevitable by belief and habit, not by some unalterable script chiseled in stone.

7. Sex is a sacred act of giving and sharing or a sensational act of getting and gratification. When sex is just a good feeling it stays pretty much as a thing you do add to your pleasure chest. Sacred sex is a whole different ball of wax. Your partner is more important than you in the pleasure department. And because they think the same about you, don’t worry about getting your needs met. Think about, “How can I take my partner higher?” This way you will go higher, and sex will become your most joyful sacrament.

8. Someone has to take out the garbage or clean the toilet. You could be fortunate enough to have a maid. But sooner or later you will both find tasks in the maintenance part of the relationship that are unpleasant and grungy requiring your attention. Shirk not the “dirty jobs” nor expect your partner to do them. Get clear on who is doing what and balance the tasks with each doing those of the least resistance.

9. Money needs to come in faster than it goes out. Otherwise you have a problem. The lake will run dry, the bank account will not replenish, and the general prosperity consciousness will suffer. So don’t spend more than you make. Give more to get more. Be of service at something you love to do and you will be rewarded.

10. Your partner is your best friend. Treat them like they are. Talk about everything. This is the adage of the three most important factors to having your partner as your best friend: 1) Communicate 2) Communicate 3) Communicate.

11. Clean it up every day. Don’t let anger linger over on an issue that is activating more than 24 hours. Preferably clean it up before going to bed. Nothing is worth losing sleep over. Let go and get off it. Go for the highest thought and solution to any problem.

12. Your family may never understand you. You have a way of doing things that is unique to your life. Don’t expect your family to embrace this uniqueness. In fact, brace yourself for disapproval. Let them have it, they are entitled to their opinion about you, good or bad. The most important thing is, “Do you understand yourself?” And, does your partner support you in this understanding? They better, because this is absolutely essential. You both better be on the same page if you want to have a relationship that is really happy and working in its maximum capacity.

13. Spiritual Practices help you both evolve. The saying, “The family that prays together stays together,” is mostly true. In fact it is true. Sustained attention, done together in mutual consent toward a Higher Power greater than yourself will bond you closer as a couple and a family. It could even be an organized religion, or golf. But do something together in which your trust in the Unknown benevolence of Life is enhanced.

14. People don’t want to forgive but they must. If you hold a grievance from the past it will only grow a bigger weed in the end. It will choke out the good plants in your garden of celestial delight. Don’t hold a grudge and never seek revenge. Don’t hold “records of wrongdoing” on anyone. Then you will easily let yourself off the hook for your own big whopper mistakes.

15. Growth is always happening. Until you are like the great Buddha, or Jesus or Kwan Yin, or Moses or someone like that, you probably have some life lessons ahead that require you to step into a higher version of yourself, one you did not know before. So be ready to grow better with age, like a good vintage.

Explore more on relationships with SONDRA RAY and me at a “Loving Relationships Training.” We have many around the world. LOOK HERE for the next one near you.